It's All In Your Head (A Poem)- Trigger Warning-

Please turn the volume up, on whatever device you are visiting, here. 

This is a poem that I wrote just over two years ago. I had recently found a way out of a long list of terrible situations and I started the work on breaking the cycle of abuse, in my life. I was blessed to have a place to stay, so that I could get my life pointed in the direction I needed to go. Some, who I lived with, were supportive. They didn't understand everything I was dealing with but they didn't look for an explanation. They simply wanted to help.

Others, simply would not understand and expressed that everything (the flashbacks, night terrors, phantom pain, fear) was all in my head. On more than one occasion, they told me to "Get over it", "Stop dwelling on it" which is all well and good if all I did was fall off my bike the first time I tried to ride it, without training wheels. Instead, I had survived 28 years of trauma. Everything that had been my life I was told to, simply, forget. I don't blame them because they didn't know. How could they?

I don't ask for the memories. I don't try to remember. It happens. Just like, you may get nostalgic over a toy or a show that you watched, growing up, I get unpeaceful reminders of a traumatic past. I did not ask for the things that happened to me. I did not ask to get stabbed in the leg. I did not ask to be tied up because I tried to run from a bad situation. I did not ask to be put in the situations, that made me feel unsafe and look for a way out, which resulted in my injuries. 

This poem was written in response to those who think that PTSD or C-PTSD is something that we decide when it ends. If I had the choice, I would never deal with those horrific memories that words just don't do enough to paint a clear picture for you. Just like then, I don't get to have a choice in what I experience. Only, how I react to the memories, the pain, the aftermath of a flashback that I can't control. I get to choose what I do with these experiences and I choose to let you know that whatever you are going through is real. I believe you. You are not alone.