25 Things I Wish You Knew: I Have a Therapist

 

I have a therapist.

There, I said it.

I wish it were that easy. I wish you knew that I have a therapist and I wish you accepted it without judging.

I grew up in a family where talking to anyone was against the rules. I understand their paranoia, considering they were the ones who were causing the damage. I went to a church where they didn't believe in cognitive therapy because "that's what God is for". Although, I do agree that we are to depend on God, would you also say this if I went to a doctor for a broken bone? What about for the flu? Cancer? Diabetes? Is it okay to depend on doctors for just the stuff you can see and depend on God for all the stuff you can't?

A counselor, or therapist, is like a doctor...and a teacher. They figure out what the problem is, diagnose, talk about treatment options (which can include medication) and then teach you how to live/cope with your condition. They teach you how to take care of yourself so you can live a full and successful life

Now, there are some therapists who give the rest a bad name. I've been to a couple. My first one, decided to unleash the volcano of everything I had been through and then told me that my time was up before I could learn how to cope. That was a very dangerous time. I put myself in the hands of people I trusted for 48 hours because All of it was too much for me. My second therapist was also not a good fit for me. The first session, without knowing really anything, they told me that the circumstances I went through were a result of my choices. News flash: I didn't have a choice and if I did, I was a child...I didn't know I had a choice.

My third therapist was right for the time I was with them. They helped me sort through the current situation, which was that I was living with an angry alcoholic who was abusive on a good day. We didn't really deal with all the stuff that happened before because my living situation wasn't safe. 

My current therapist, I have been going to for over two years. Once a week, if possible. They are the ones who diagnosed me with C/PTSD. We don't go over every detail of the past. Some things come up, but I don't talk a lot about the past because I'm still trying to not have flashbacks and when I think about those "events" it is easy to get sucked back in. That kind of therapy isn't part of my treatment. We mostly focus on HOW what happened effects my daily living and what we can do to get me to a full and successful life. My therapist helps me understand why I do some of the things I do and helps me set more realistic goals and expectations for myself. They give me a little push when I seem stuck on something for too long. They help me figure out solutions that will work, and a lot of it is trial and error. They will tell me the truth, not just what I want to hear, and that is why I trust them. I've been angry with them before. I'm sure I frustrate the life out of them, at times. That's okay.

In therapy, just like in physical therapy, I do all the work. My therapist guides me, makes suggestions, tells me what I should probably avoid doing (if I don't already know) and adds 'weights' when I am ready. My therapist is great and is in tune with what I need. They know when to push and when to back off. There is a balance. They are good at it, I am not. I am all or nothing and they let me know what is okay to take away or add to get that balance so I can succeed. I am their work. However, in the end it is my choice of what I do. They can't make me do, or not do, anything (as much as they would probably like, sometimes). They don't brainwash me or influence my memories. If memories are brought up, I'm the one who talks. They listen and help me cope with that flashback or overlay.

We have talked about medication that could help. We have talked, multiple times, on that subject. I am not on medication. That is my choice. My therapist does not push it because they understand why I choose not to. When everything gets too much, that conversation comes back up and we hit the same conclusion: no medication. I understand that medication can help and that it does help a lot of people. My mother is a drug addict. I am doing okay without them, and yes, I know I could be doing better. I don't condemn anyone who takes medication. If it helps you, that is awesome! There is simply a larger battle, for me, with medications.

Part of my therapy is also learning the things I never was taught: how to deal with people, how to take care of myself, how to get out of survival mode, how to let my guard down, how to trust, who to trust, how to know when something is really wrong (because everything seems wrong at first). I have a difficult time with good contact with people because I was hurt, deeply, by people for most of my life. I am learning.

I wish you knew this and could accept it without judging me. C/PTSD is a condition I will have for the rest of my life, likely. The symptoms are manageable but I have to learn how to manage them. Those who say, 'no' to therapy also tend to ignore the fact that a problem exists. So, those people won't be able to help me live a full life. I wish you could see the difference between two years ago and now. I wish you could see how far I have come and understand that I could not have done it on my own. Left to my own devices, I would not be close to anyone, because I wouldn't know how to teach myself.

Where is God in all of this? The answer is everywhere. I believe that God has given my therapist the knowledge to help me, and others, with living. I go to church and experience the unconditional love that God has for me, through my family there. I read my Bible and I am constantly finding verses of encouragement when I'm struggling with my symptoms. I listen to the radio, and a song comes on that I need to hear because life is tough but God is greater. I am constantly reminded that God is there, has always been there and will always be there. Just like we go to the doctor for a physical ailment, I'm going to a therapist for a mental one. There is no difference. God is still there and God gives me the strength to make the changes I need to, in order to live a full life that glorifies Him.