Questions (a poem)

 

Please turn the volume up on your device and listen to this poem. 

This poem is one of several that are related to the subject of flashbacks. I wrote this one a couple of years ago. At the time, the battle with flashbacks was a lot more difficult than it is now. I didn't know how to ground, so it was a lot easier to get thrown into a full blown, reacting flashback. The after math of flashbacks are still difficult because all of the feelings I felt, then, remain for a while. A lot of the times, I don't feel safe afterwards. I'm more on edge. More jumpy. More watchful. 

During the time that I wrote this poem, and even still, I got a lot of questions from people. Questions like, "How long has it been since you went through ______" or "What happened" made me feel less than. The first question, made it seem that the person asking was saying I should be over it by now. I mean, let's face it, at that time, it had been seven years since I escaped the trafficking circles and fresh out of an abusive relationship. If we were talking childhood abuse, I'm not sure where the line of child is drawn, but if we are going by the age of eighteen it had been ten years. That question made me fell like I was doing something wrong or I wasn't trying hard enough.

The second question was a dangerous one to answer. As I said, I didn't know any grounding techniques. In other words, I didn't know how to keep myself in the present and not get thrown back into the past. I had never spoken about the trauma and when I tried, I was forced back into thinking that I was there and not here. Now, this is a question that I can answer, and depending on how much I'm grounded, I can relay some details. I know when stop and what information I can give, at any given moment. My main concern, when this question is asked, is: "does this person really know what they are asking?" and "Is this something they are ready to know?" I realize that the answer to my questions really lies in the answer to theirs. I have to trust that the person asking will let me know when it is too much for them. This is difficult, because I am a protector. That's what I do.

My favorite of all, which isn't really a question, is when I am having an anxiety or panic attack and someone tells me to "just breathe". First, this angers me because if I felt like I was able to breathe, I wouldn't be in that situation. The second thought that comes to my mind is just laughing, but at the time I can't because my brain and my body thinks that I'm dying. 

This poem "Questions" was the rant that goes off in my brain when "just breathe" is spoken because if I explained why I couldn't, then there would be more questions needing answers. When I am panicking, or having a flashback, I need something else to focus on besides whatever it is that is going on in my head. So, asking, "What happened, then?" while I'm in a flashback is not helpful. However, letting me know where I am, pointing things out in the room (the green couch or if you look at the windows you can see the dog's nose prints) and letting me know that I am safe and no one is going to hurt me is very helpful. Another thing, is talking about something unrelated to anything. Food, isn't usually a trigger. I like to cook and bake so food is usually a safe subject. Or, talk about animals. Ask me about my dog. Tell me silly story about your pet or any animal encounter that doesn't end tragically. 

Today, I can answer questions. I couldn't then. I am not always able to go into details. There are some people, who I don't trust enough with even the simplest answers. When you ask questions, please, just respect if they are not at a place where they cannot answer you and don't push it. You may want to help but saying it all out loud, makes it real. There is power in words. Also, be careful to help them understand that you aren't judging them for their struggles. They survived some tough stuff that you may or may not know about. They already feel broken and weak. Help them feel strong and let them know that you are there for them, if they ever need someone to listen. 

25 Things I wish You Knew: I AM Fragile

It was not too long ago, that if you asked me, I would have told you that I was fragile like bomb. Two years ago, that was probably true. I would not let anyone near me. I was afraid of letting someone get close and hurting them, because of what I had been through. I was afraid of being hurt because I didn't know how much more I could take. I wanted people to be afraid of being anything less than gentle. You tend to be very careful about your movements when you are around a bomb that hasn't gone off yet.

Those who knew me, several years ago, might have said that I was "Feral". I was much like a stray dog, hungry, wanting love, but hurt and feeling backed in a corner. I knew that I was fragile, then. Some days, this is still me. What I didn't know was that not all people are unsafe. It took a lot of patience from one family, when I was in college, to get close. 

They didn't know that the abuse was still going on. They didn't know that when I went 'home' on the weekends and on breaks, I was still being trafficked. I met this family at a church. I went in, not wanting to be seen but when I say they saw me, they saw me. They greeted me and invited me to sit with them. I declined. Twice a week, for two months I declined. They never gave up. When I finally accepted the offer, they invited me to have lunch with them. Again, I declined. They offered every week, until I finally accepted. Then, they invited me to their family game night. I declined for a couple of weeks, still sitting with them on Sundays and Thursdays. I still had lunch with them every other Sunday. One week, I accepted the invitation to their family game night. This pattern continued for two years. Eventually, I stopped going 'home'. I spent my school breaks in the safety of their home, when I was not allowed to stay in the dorms. 

It was not until a month, or so, ago, that I learned what I truly am...what all people are. I am fragile, but not like a bomb. I am fragile like a flower. This is our first year, gardening and who knew that this age old chore could teach so much?

A flower begins as a seed and finds itself in the dirt. It may have been gently placed there by caring hands, or landed there by a wild ride on a bird, animal or insect. Plants need care: food, water, sunlight and pruning. The sun is the hope that gets the seed through the darkness. The plant also gets it's nutrients from the soil, but hope keeps it growing. Too much hope, leads to expectations that cannot be reached and it is devastating.

There is "good soil" and "bad soil". Good  soil has everything that the plant needs. No rocks. Plenty of nutrients. Bad dirt is neglected ground. The plant can still grow but it will have to work so much harder to get even a fraction of where the better soil- plant is. 

Water is essential. Too little, the plant dies. Too much, the roots begin to rot and the plant dies. This all seems very, "what's the point". The point is balance. The perfect balance will help any plant to thrive, in any circumstance. The end result is a beautiful flower, vegetable or fruit. The result is beautiful and unbelievable that something so small could survive so much wind, rain, ice, drought, unkept soil...and it becomes so beautiful that we forget the work, the care and everything that flower went through. 

I am not fragile like a bomb. There was a time where I was unstable. I was afraid. I wanted everyone to be afraid of hurting me, again. 

I am not fragile like a bomb. You do not need to be afraid of me.

I am fragile like a flower. I need care and guidance. I need balance. I need you to appreciate everything that I have been through and the hard work that I have put in to get to this point, right here. I need you not to compare me or set expectations that I can grow into a plant that was placed in "good soil", with all the right care. If you have these expectations, you will be disappointed and become angry with me. Then, I will lose you. I need a little more care because life hasn't been easy. I need you to not give up. To not push too much, but don't stop offering. 

There is the balance. In your offering to sit with me, have a meal, do/go to an activity together, I can see you try. I can see you reaching out and that "feral" part of me has a choice. I will probably refuse the first time, just don't push it. Offer again, at a later time and eventually, I will accept. I need you to be the gardener, because I don't have the tools, on my own, to grow. I don't know how to use a rake, or work the hose. I don't know which parts are dead or keeping me from growing. I don't know...but you do. 

I am not fragile like a bomb. I am fragile like a flower. I need care. I need my past to be respected, not forgotten. I need balance.

It's All In Your Head (A Poem)- Trigger Warning-

Please turn the volume up, on whatever device you are visiting, here. 

This is a poem that I wrote just over two years ago. I had recently found a way out of a long list of terrible situations and I started the work on breaking the cycle of abuse, in my life. I was blessed to have a place to stay, so that I could get my life pointed in the direction I needed to go. Some, who I lived with, were supportive. They didn't understand everything I was dealing with but they didn't look for an explanation. They simply wanted to help.

Others, simply would not understand and expressed that everything (the flashbacks, night terrors, phantom pain, fear) was all in my head. On more than one occasion, they told me to "Get over it", "Stop dwelling on it" which is all well and good if all I did was fall off my bike the first time I tried to ride it, without training wheels. Instead, I had survived 28 years of trauma. Everything that had been my life I was told to, simply, forget. I don't blame them because they didn't know. How could they?

I don't ask for the memories. I don't try to remember. It happens. Just like, you may get nostalgic over a toy or a show that you watched, growing up, I get unpeaceful reminders of a traumatic past. I did not ask for the things that happened to me. I did not ask to get stabbed in the leg. I did not ask to be tied up because I tried to run from a bad situation. I did not ask to be put in the situations, that made me feel unsafe and look for a way out, which resulted in my injuries. 

This poem was written in response to those who think that PTSD or C-PTSD is something that we decide when it ends. If I had the choice, I would never deal with those horrific memories that words just don't do enough to paint a clear picture for you. Just like then, I don't get to have a choice in what I experience. Only, how I react to the memories, the pain, the aftermath of a flashback that I can't control. I get to choose what I do with these experiences and I choose to let you know that whatever you are going through is real. I believe you. You are not alone.

Victim, Survivor, Warrior

Today, I want to talk about three words that people use to describe others who are going through or have gone through some tough stuff. When I say "tough stuff" it is all relative. What may be tough for someone else may be easy for us to deal with. Something that is not so easy for us to deal with may be small to someone else. This is why I ask that we are respectful to others and their experiences because we are all traveling on different paths and some of us may be trying to find our way back to the main road. It isn't an easy journey and we are all at different points, even if we are not dealing with "tough stuff" right now.

The words I want to talk about, today, are: Victim, Survivor and Warrior.

Now, I understand that these words hold different power and meaning for others so how I see them may not be how you see them. I would love to have a conversation, in the comments below. This is not about my opinion and if you identify with one of these words more than the other, that is perfectly okay.

The first word is, Victim. The dictionary defines the word as "a person harmed, injured or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action; a person who is tricked or duped." For me this word is one that I would use to describe someone who is going through a bad experience or as a past tense. One example: someone is in a situation where they are being abused. They are a victim of abuse. I have used this word to describe myself, before, and I use it in past tense for myself, now. I was a victim of abuse. To, me, this word is stagnant. It makes me feel stuck and on my journey, I have been able to find my way out of those situations. Some were very difficult to get out and if you find yourself a victim, please seek help.
Here is a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Or call: 1 800-799-7233 or TTY: 1-800-787-3224. They also have a blog that has some educated reads.

The second word is Survivor. A survivor is someone who has survived an experience. We tend to use this to describe someone who has survived a traumatic event(s). This word has more power, to me because there is movement. When we use this word to describe ourselves or others, there is a forward movement. I am a survivor of abuse. I am no longer a victim because I am no longer in that situation(s) and I somehow managed to survive. If you are here, whether you are still in a situation or are out of it, you are a survivor. You are amazing! You have seen some tough stuff, you may still be dealing with some tough stuff but you are a survivor.

Here is the number for the 24 hour Crisis Hotline of The Samaritans 1-212-673-3000   I have called this number in the past and they really helped me through rough nights. If you are struggling with negative thoughts, depression, anxiety, I encourage you to seek help. The hotlines are free, except the minutes you use on your phone. They don't judge and are truly there to help us. Sometimes it just helps to feel heard.

This brings us to the last word: Warrior. Webster's Dictionary defines this word as: "a person engaged or experienced in warfare broadly; a person engaged in some struggle or conflict." This is a word that I have recently started using in reference to myself and others. I think that this is my favorite one because, at least for me, there is always a struggle. Sure, I was a victim. I survived. But, "survivor" always made me think that that was where it ended. There wasn't supposed to be a struggle, I was doing something wrong because the event(s) were over but I still felt the impact. My battle with the darkness has not ended. I fight anxiety, depression, self-doubt, flashbacks...so many things I struggle with every day. The word, Warrior, is so empowering to me because it encompasses all, past, present and future in a way that I don't feel ashamed. I use this word to describe myself and others who are currently going through some tough stuff or dealing with the aftermath (which can be just as tough).

Most days, lately, it feels like I am merely surviving. Somedays I feel like I've conquered the world, until I look around and see everything I'm doing are old survival tactics I used when I wasn't safe. I am safe, now. I am learning how to live.

We are strong. We have seen some tough stuff. Wherever you are, on your journey, you are here. You are strong, even when you don't feel like you are. You are amazing! You are a warrior.

I found this quote, last night and I wanted to share it with you:
"You are stronger than you think. You have gotten through every bad day, in your life, and you are undefeated" - Unknown

This is not the end of your story and you are not alone. Celebrate the fact that you are here!