Questions (a poem)

 

Please turn the volume up on your device and listen to this poem. 

This poem is one of several that are related to the subject of flashbacks. I wrote this one a couple of years ago. At the time, the battle with flashbacks was a lot more difficult than it is now. I didn't know how to ground, so it was a lot easier to get thrown into a full blown, reacting flashback. The after math of flashbacks are still difficult because all of the feelings I felt, then, remain for a while. A lot of the times, I don't feel safe afterwards. I'm more on edge. More jumpy. More watchful. 

During the time that I wrote this poem, and even still, I got a lot of questions from people. Questions like, "How long has it been since you went through ______" or "What happened" made me feel less than. The first question, made it seem that the person asking was saying I should be over it by now. I mean, let's face it, at that time, it had been seven years since I escaped the trafficking circles and fresh out of an abusive relationship. If we were talking childhood abuse, I'm not sure where the line of child is drawn, but if we are going by the age of eighteen it had been ten years. That question made me fell like I was doing something wrong or I wasn't trying hard enough.

The second question was a dangerous one to answer. As I said, I didn't know any grounding techniques. In other words, I didn't know how to keep myself in the present and not get thrown back into the past. I had never spoken about the trauma and when I tried, I was forced back into thinking that I was there and not here. Now, this is a question that I can answer, and depending on how much I'm grounded, I can relay some details. I know when stop and what information I can give, at any given moment. My main concern, when this question is asked, is: "does this person really know what they are asking?" and "Is this something they are ready to know?" I realize that the answer to my questions really lies in the answer to theirs. I have to trust that the person asking will let me know when it is too much for them. This is difficult, because I am a protector. That's what I do.

My favorite of all, which isn't really a question, is when I am having an anxiety or panic attack and someone tells me to "just breathe". First, this angers me because if I felt like I was able to breathe, I wouldn't be in that situation. The second thought that comes to my mind is just laughing, but at the time I can't because my brain and my body thinks that I'm dying. 

This poem "Questions" was the rant that goes off in my brain when "just breathe" is spoken because if I explained why I couldn't, then there would be more questions needing answers. When I am panicking, or having a flashback, I need something else to focus on besides whatever it is that is going on in my head. So, asking, "What happened, then?" while I'm in a flashback is not helpful. However, letting me know where I am, pointing things out in the room (the green couch or if you look at the windows you can see the dog's nose prints) and letting me know that I am safe and no one is going to hurt me is very helpful. Another thing, is talking about something unrelated to anything. Food, isn't usually a trigger. I like to cook and bake so food is usually a safe subject. Or, talk about animals. Ask me about my dog. Tell me silly story about your pet or any animal encounter that doesn't end tragically. 

Today, I can answer questions. I couldn't then. I am not always able to go into details. There are some people, who I don't trust enough with even the simplest answers. When you ask questions, please, just respect if they are not at a place where they cannot answer you and don't push it. You may want to help but saying it all out loud, makes it real. There is power in words. Also, be careful to help them understand that you aren't judging them for their struggles. They survived some tough stuff that you may or may not know about. They already feel broken and weak. Help them feel strong and let them know that you are there for them, if they ever need someone to listen. 

Victim, Survivor, Warrior

Today, I want to talk about three words that people use to describe others who are going through or have gone through some tough stuff. When I say "tough stuff" it is all relative. What may be tough for someone else may be easy for us to deal with. Something that is not so easy for us to deal with may be small to someone else. This is why I ask that we are respectful to others and their experiences because we are all traveling on different paths and some of us may be trying to find our way back to the main road. It isn't an easy journey and we are all at different points, even if we are not dealing with "tough stuff" right now.

The words I want to talk about, today, are: Victim, Survivor and Warrior.

Now, I understand that these words hold different power and meaning for others so how I see them may not be how you see them. I would love to have a conversation, in the comments below. This is not about my opinion and if you identify with one of these words more than the other, that is perfectly okay.

The first word is, Victim. The dictionary defines the word as "a person harmed, injured or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action; a person who is tricked or duped." For me this word is one that I would use to describe someone who is going through a bad experience or as a past tense. One example: someone is in a situation where they are being abused. They are a victim of abuse. I have used this word to describe myself, before, and I use it in past tense for myself, now. I was a victim of abuse. To, me, this word is stagnant. It makes me feel stuck and on my journey, I have been able to find my way out of those situations. Some were very difficult to get out and if you find yourself a victim, please seek help.
Here is a link to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Or call: 1 800-799-7233 or TTY: 1-800-787-3224. They also have a blog that has some educated reads.

The second word is Survivor. A survivor is someone who has survived an experience. We tend to use this to describe someone who has survived a traumatic event(s). This word has more power, to me because there is movement. When we use this word to describe ourselves or others, there is a forward movement. I am a survivor of abuse. I am no longer a victim because I am no longer in that situation(s) and I somehow managed to survive. If you are here, whether you are still in a situation or are out of it, you are a survivor. You are amazing! You have seen some tough stuff, you may still be dealing with some tough stuff but you are a survivor.

Here is the number for the 24 hour Crisis Hotline of The Samaritans 1-212-673-3000   I have called this number in the past and they really helped me through rough nights. If you are struggling with negative thoughts, depression, anxiety, I encourage you to seek help. The hotlines are free, except the minutes you use on your phone. They don't judge and are truly there to help us. Sometimes it just helps to feel heard.

This brings us to the last word: Warrior. Webster's Dictionary defines this word as: "a person engaged or experienced in warfare broadly; a person engaged in some struggle or conflict." This is a word that I have recently started using in reference to myself and others. I think that this is my favorite one because, at least for me, there is always a struggle. Sure, I was a victim. I survived. But, "survivor" always made me think that that was where it ended. There wasn't supposed to be a struggle, I was doing something wrong because the event(s) were over but I still felt the impact. My battle with the darkness has not ended. I fight anxiety, depression, self-doubt, flashbacks...so many things I struggle with every day. The word, Warrior, is so empowering to me because it encompasses all, past, present and future in a way that I don't feel ashamed. I use this word to describe myself and others who are currently going through some tough stuff or dealing with the aftermath (which can be just as tough).

Most days, lately, it feels like I am merely surviving. Somedays I feel like I've conquered the world, until I look around and see everything I'm doing are old survival tactics I used when I wasn't safe. I am safe, now. I am learning how to live.

We are strong. We have seen some tough stuff. Wherever you are, on your journey, you are here. You are strong, even when you don't feel like you are. You are amazing! You are a warrior.

I found this quote, last night and I wanted to share it with you:
"You are stronger than you think. You have gotten through every bad day, in your life, and you are undefeated" - Unknown

This is not the end of your story and you are not alone. Celebrate the fact that you are here!