God is So Good

 

The last couple of weeks have been rough. I tried to push out a post or two but the harder I tried the further I fell. I write, for you, but also for me. What I had planned to post just wasn't what I needed. I tend to avoid talking about what I need to, because it triggers memories and/or I don't want people to see me as being weak because I struggle.

I was told that I won the 'worst week' award, when it came to the first week of August. I am all or nothing. When it rains, it floods, in my world. Although, I don't like to compare troubles, because pain and trauma are not contests, I had to think that they were right.

To start, I have PTSD. This comes with anxiety, flashbacks (which bring the inability to feel safe), panic attacks, night terrors, sleepless nights, and an overall feeling that my world is crumbling. I had been struggling, hard, with all of this for a couple of weeks. As time went on, the more frequent and intense the flashbacks became. Until, finally, there was no room to catch myself, between them.

Imagine, being thrown overboard a ship, into the stormy sea. No life raft. No vest. Just you and the sea creatures as the ship sails away. At first, you are taken under. But you come back up and you can swim a little before the next wave forces you below the surface. This happens a few times, each time, it wears you a little more. Then, something grabs you and pulls you under. You fight. You get away. It reaches for you again. It pulls you further below the waves, You fight it and get away, but you have to work harder for that next breath. It happens repeatedly, until you are too weak to get away. You fade away. You don't know how long, but after a while, you are washed up on the beach. If you are lucky enough, you are on someone's boat, gasping for air and a bit disoriented.

Welcome to my reality.

This particular round involved my sixteenth birthday, where I was taken from my home and my attempt to protect myself backfired. I was stabbed and that was only part of it. I received no medical treatment and have a nasty scar that has only begun to fade. For the last two weeks, I have felt the same stab and twist, repeatedly. Each time came as a surprise, which sent me further into the flashback. Nothing except the time of year triggered it. It didn't matter if I was home, work or buying groceries. Each time I was thrown back. It was so vivid that I questioned if this reality was a world I had created to escape the bad. It is very frightening to jump between times so rapidly. Frightening and exhausting.

While dealing with all of this, I had to make the heartbreaking decision to put our dog down so that he wouldn't suffer any more cluster seizures. Baymax has been my little buddy for the last two years. When I brought him home, it was with intention of training him to be a service dog, but he started to have seizures. We took him to the vet, ran tests, threw him on a cocktail of medications but it just wasn't enough. He had all of the things that could cause seizures, not just one. We spent time in emergency pet care, cooling him down with ice packs for hours, after he had over 20 seizures in the span of two hours. 

Even though he couldn't be a service dog, he was always there for me. When I was anxious, he would lay across me, all 50 pounds of him. He never really left my side. He always wanted to put a smile on our faces. Baymax never knew a stranger. He had the kindest heart and a lot of love to give. He was all love. He will forever be loved and missed. I would be lying if I told you I am okay. In this moment, I am numb. I keep myself busy because if I pause for a moment, I tell myself that I have to let him out. I look for him to lay on my lap or watch the time to give him his medication or "cereal". I feel empty. I don't know what to do with it and I don't like how it feels, so I turn it off because I know how to deal with being numb. I don't know how to grieve. 

Through all of this, I found myself saying, "God is so Good." Which is true but it shocked me. With everything that is going on, why would I praise God? After all, I have flashbacks, night terrors and He gave me the best dog anyone could ever have and took him away. Why? It is very simple. I will tell you.

1. I have flashbacks. Yes, this is a reason to praise God. Why? Flashbacks are like scars, active scars, in the sense that they aren't just 'there'. What do scars mean? Well, scars mean that there was a wound, something happened that caused pain. Scars show that there was healing because scars don't bleed, anymore. They show us that we aren't there. We aren't actively in that pain. Who heals? Why, God heals all wounds! I have my share of physical scars (52 to be exact). Flashbacks, though difficult at the time I am experiencing them, are physically harmless. I'm not actually getting stabbed again. They do cause emotional distress, and the emotions I felt then, can resurface and stay a while....but guess what! Flashbacks mean that I am not there anymore. Why? Because my God, my Fortress, my Shepherd brought me out of it. God is Good.

2. I was given the best dog anyone could ever have. I firmly believe that we gave him the best life and no one else could have done a better job. He was 100% love from day one. I hardly had to get on to him about chewing things (and really the only things he got that weren't his were the lamp cords...when he was a baby, baby). He only messed in the house, twice before he understood how to ask to go out. After that, any messes were because he was sick or had a seizure. He loved to play and cuddle. Near the end, he mostly cuddled. He was always happy to see me get home from work, no matter how tired he was feeling. He helped me through so many rough times. Then, I had to put him down. Why, God? Right? Well, there is a time for everything. When I first brought Baymax into my home, I was scared, having to deal with life, alone (for the most part), living alone....I needed someone to comfort me so that I could fall apart. At the time, I didn't trust anyone enough to do that. Baymax did his job and he gave 119% of everything he had. That is a lot for a puppy to deal with. I thank Baymax for his loyalty, love and friendship. I thank God for giving me Baymax, even for a short two years. God is good. Loss still hurts but I can't imagine life without having known Baymax.

God is so Good

My Tool Box: The Calm Down Count Down

 

Part of the unsolicited adventure of having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is that I dissociate. Sometimes, I lose connection and I'm not aware. I feel spacey, foggy or fuzzy...like I'm in a daze. Sometimes, I am aware.

I tend to dissociate when I'm stressed or come head to head with an intense emotion. It is my brain's way of protecting me when I may be in danger of one thing or another. I believe that everyone is capable of this, because we all have the flight or freeze responses. This is my brain's way of running when my body cannot. Unfortunately, the traumas I have been through (living trauma) causes everything to throw up the red flags and sound the inner sirens.

It's like this:

As a child, we are told not to touch the hot pan because it will hurt. We may not understand pain, or believe it, so one day we touch the hot pan and we get burned. It hurts and we know that we don't want to do to that again. Later, when we are in the kitchen, or cooking, and we reach for the pan, an alarm goes off in our brain to warn of us of the danger of being burned. This way, we can take the proper measures to avoid the pain and we can try to warn others, as we were warned

For me, it feels like I am trapped in a room filled with pans on stoves. There is no protection and no way to tell which pans are hot. I feel overwhelmed, unsafe and if I try to reach for any pan, my brain flashes the memory of being burned or makes me freeze. I get lost outside of myself and sometimes where I am. Sometimes, it is like I can see me and what I'm doing as if I were a bystander.

A few years ago, I was watching a show called "The Fosters". It is a great show about a family (The Fosters) who take care of foster kids and the journey of those kids into a better life. Some take the rough road and some have it seemingly easy for a while. In one of these episodes, one of the main characters has a panic attack. It was her first one so she didn't know what to do (I've been there, many times). Another character, who may have triggered the attack, began to say "Name five things you see...out loud." 

The character struggled to do this, but finally managed though she still was in a panic. Then there was a list that I have actually used, I call it the "Calm Down Count Down":

• Name 5 things you see, and at least 1 characteristic for each. (Blue eyes on the cat, the old, orange brick fireplace....etc). The more specific you can get, the easier it is to ground but the things you see, is often too early to get specific.
• Name 4 things you can touch (and touch them), describe at least 1 characteristic for each.
• Name 3 things you can hear and describe that noise (annoying, soft, shrill, calming, bubbling...etc)
• Name 2 things you can smell, and describe each one.
• Name 1 thing you can taste or feel (as emotion).

For me, this kind of grounding, being aware of my surroundings, helps me if I am struggling with dissociation or panic/anxiety. Typically, this helps me more in settings that I'm not familiar with. So, doctor's office, a classroom, the mechanics....anywhere that I'm not constantly having to move. This does not help me in the groccery store, there is just too much going on and I get even more overwhelmed. Although it still works, it does not have as great of an effect at my house because I know what everything is. 

There is no "One size fits all" method for people. Even more annoying, not everything works all of the time. I have spent the last two years researching and going to counseling to add tools to my toolbox to help me cope with my symptoms and thrive. Just like a tape measure isn't the correct tool for pounding in a nail (at least not a very effective one), this tool may not be the one you need, at the time.

You don't have to have C/PTSD or panic disorders in order to use this. Sometimes, I use it when I don't want to think about something or when I'm bored. It does tend to help panic, I find, because it takes your mind off your lungs and the idea that you can't breathe. It puts your mind on parts of your body that might typically feel safe and focus on your senses. 

I will be writing more posts on some of the tools that, I find, help me.

Psalms 23: An Introduction

You drive down the road and a song plays on the radio that just reaches you where nothing else can. You feel all of the things but what you don't feel, is alone. You might shed a few tears or get the sense of an overwhelming peace. Whatever you do, it doesn't feel wrong. 

Music always seems to speak to to my soul but some things get the message a little deeper. Psalms 23 has always been the passage that I turn to when I need comfort. When I feel anxious, I recite it. I'm sure the doctors think I'm off my rocker, when the come in and I'm mumbling "thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me...". 

I want to begin a new series where we look at each verse in Psalm 23. I'm no Bible scholar, and I don't claim to be. I would love to share the history of each verse and share what each verse means to me. We will still continue with the "25 Things I Wish You Knew" series and I will continue to share some of the poetry that I have written. 

What are some Biblical passages that bring comfort to you? Where else do you find comfort? Please, share in the comments. I would love to hear from you.