The Flip Side

 

You may wonder what it is like to have this kind of mental health issue, in the same way that I wonder what it is like to not. We are just too afraid to ask each other. There are a lot of categories, a lot of challenges. Hardly anything is easy. I don't remember the last time anything came easy for me.

Maybe, nothing is easy for anyone. Maybe, everything is hard and there is either the right or wrong kind of difficult. Staying was hard. Ignoring was hard. Facing the reality was hard. Leaving was hard. Trusting was hard. Standing up was hard. Not saying anything was hard. Starting over was hard. I can't see where this, any of this, would be easy for anyone. Life is hard. Maybe, that is why God made a companion for Adam (Genesis 2:18). We were never meant to face life alone.

So, maybe having CPTSD is just like not having it. Except, there was a lot of the wrong kind of difficult to get here. I can't see where choices are made easy, by anyone. How long does it take you to decide to go into a store? Do you ever hesitate with anything? Does the unknown make you anxious? Have you ever avoided someone from your past? Is there a subject that you would give anything to not talk about? Is there ever a scene on T.V. that makes you squirm or feel empathy on a deeper level? Is there a certain scent that takes you away? 

Maybe, we aren't so different.

I am middle aged, and I've only recently begun to learn how to cope with the difficulties of life. Things that a child is taught: how to regulate emotion, how to show emotion, how to accept the fact that not everything is a red flag. I am learning to trust. To not hide. I am learning to depend on a few people for a few things. I am learning to read people and not assume the worst intentions. I don't know how many times I ask my therapist or close friends questions and learn that most people already know the answer because someone showed them. Some of my questions, no one seems to think about because they never had to. They were taught, so it comes natural. What comes easy to others is a challenge to me.

Every coin has two sides. The flip side of this coin is that what comes easy to me is often difficult to others. I learned to survive at any cost, at a very young age. So much, that surviving became my life. I didn't know how to live. I'm learning. I know what to do and can remain calm when faced with a difficult situation that a lot of people I know would freeze up in. Surviving, comes natural to me. I can withstand the storm. It is the calm that makes me anxious.