25 Things I Wish You Knew: I Don't Sleep

On a good night, I get somewhere between four and five hours of sleep, according to my fit bit. It is pretty accurate. Even if I go to bed at a decent hour and sleep in until 6 a.m. (which never happens), there are large gaps where I am awake. 

There are many times where I wake up for a minute and fall back asleep. Those times are part of being hyper-aware, which I talked about previously. When the air kicks on or off, when our dog plays musical chairs...I wake up, just long enough to convince myself that I, and those in my environment, are safe. Everyone has these kinds of disturbances in their sleep. I remember most of mine.

I get night terrors, every night. I can't tell you the last time that I had a good dream. I can't even tell you the last time that I had a nightmare unrelated to my memories. Is it sad that I am jealous of people who can even have "normal" nightmares? Running late for work, wedding day nightmares, stuck back in high school...Not me, not even the night before my wedding. I have multiple nightmares a night, but it only takes on night terror to keep me awake.

There is a difference between nightmares and night terrors. A nightmare is like watching a scary movie. I can turn it off if it gets to be too much. I wake up a little tense, a bit on edge but after listening and watching the doors and windows, I can fall back asleep. These are mild memories. I lay awake for fifteen to thirty minutes before I drift back off to do it again.

Night terrors are not just a movie. For me, they are flashbacks that are, often, more intense because I can't ground myself when I am sleeping. I wake up believing that whatever was going on, is still happening. It doesn't feel like a memory. My brain, and sometimes my body, relives the 'event' and the pain. When I finally begin to come back, I am too afraid to go back to sleep. So, I get up. I move, because moving helps me ground. I find something to distract myself from going back, because the thought of loosing control, even for a moment, is terrifying.

I have improved. I used to operate on two hours of sleep, on average. I accomplished a lot, but it was effecting my mood, the intensity and frequency of my symptoms, and overall health. I don't know that my sleep patterns will ever be what I need. I hope they will.

I need you to know that if I look tired, I am. I cannot take naps because too much goes on when I am home, alone, during the day. If my husband is home, I might take a nap because then I know I don't have to listen to every creak and croak of our old house. I need you to know that I am okay. I have operated on less, for years. This is not new to me. I need you to know, so that I don't have to explain. I need you to know because on the days that I have been up since 11:30p.m., I will struggle hard.  I will struggle because the less sleep I have, the more intense my symptoms. I need you to know that even though I struggle, I will be okay. I'm just tired and may need a little more space or help. Please, let me be the one to tell you which one I need.