25 Things I Wish You Knew: Flashbacks

One of the common symptoms of C/PTSD are intrusive memories. In other words, flashbacks. This is a difficult one for me to explain. Not all flashbacks are the same. Please, understand, while reading this, that this is from one person's experience.  My  experience. 

Television and Movies tend to focus on the "flashback" symptom of PTSD, when they are trying to get the audience to understand what it might be like for the character. There are two types of memories: explicit and implicit. Explicit memories are fact specific (sights, sounds, sensations). Implicit memories are emotionally based. A lot of media focuses on the explicit memories, simply because they are easier to show and help may help tell the backstory of a character. 

So, we know what memories are. What exactly is a flashback? A flashback is when someone relives an event. This can be triggered by sights, sounds, smells, certain words. Flashbacks are not always dramatic. I don't usually duck for cover when there is a loud noise. Sometimes, I do, but not usually. Perhaps, that is because the events that haunt me, I shut down in.

We know that there are four responses to trauma:

• Flight- our bodies tell us to get out, NOW! I tried this a couple of times, but the end results were devastating. This was always the first instinct, but hardly possible.
• Fight- this one is kind of obvious. I was a fighter. I held my own until I couldn't. All of my opponents were far bigger than I was. I never threw the first punch and I fought for other people, a lot of the time. I knew that if I kept fighting, I would die. Sometimes, fighting worked. Sometimes, it made things worse. A lot of the time, it just wasn't enough.
• Freeze- this is when your body knows that the first two won't work to keep you safe and alive. Your body won't cooperate with commands, it freezes, immobilizes and your mind can disassociate. This is what I did, when things got really bad and the first two didn't work.
• Fawn- is avoiding conflict, at any cost. You become a 'people-pleaser'. You neglect your needs for someone else. I did this too. I lived this. 

I do all of these now. I'm safe, I don't have any reason to run or fight. These responses were so much a part of my survival, for so long that I don't know how to respond without them.

When I relive the memories, when I have flashbacks, I feel panic (that's flight), I get on guard (that's fight), and then I shut down and disassociate (that's freeze). Most of the time, I don't act on the first two. I have tried to fight off someone who was only trying to see if I was okay, but they touched me and I didn't recognize them as who they were. 

When I shut down, I go inside of myself. I don't see the room that I'm in. I don't see the people in the room. Sometimes, it is a slow fade and I can try to mentally grab something to keep me from falling down the 'rabbit hole'. Other times, there is no warning, no fade. One minute, I'm here, in the now. The next, I'm not. I see, hear, smell, taste....whatever memory was triggered, I relive it. I ride it out because I don't understand that it isn't happening. So, I feel all of the emotions, the instincts, the pain. When it ends, it fades or is instantaneous change. Either way, I'm left feeling confused, empty and panicked. Sometimes, I'm still ready to fight. 

Flashbacks feel intense, even if there is no outward reaction. They are exhausting. 

There are also smaller flashbacks, what I call overlays. In these instances, I'm here but I'm not. If I am more aware, I can tell you that I'm "stuck in the In Between". Here, I am aware of my surroundings but something just doesn't match up with what is really going on. A lot of the times, my overlays are emotions that aren't quite appropriate for what is happening or I can't read someone because I'm sensing something from a memory. Sometimes, the overlays are pain. 

Most recently, my husband and I were sitting in our recliners, watching a show. Something wasn't right. I could feel something trickle down my left leg. I got up from my recliner as I said "Not good", I was aware that something didn't match up. As soon as I stood, I felt an all too familiar stab in that same area where the trickle had happened. My legs collapsed and I fell near my husband's chair. I limped away, to the kitchen, just to get out of the room because I didn't want him to see the rest of that memory, if I couldn't stop the flashback from taking full effect. Thankfully, it was only an overlay and lasted only a minute or two.

I guess you could say that I am an unwilling time-traveler. 

I wish you knew how scary these flashbacks are for me. I wish I could help you to understand that I do not choose to have these. Most of the time, I'm not even thinking of whatever memory. Most of the time, I'm taken off guard and I fight them off, if I can. Just like then, a lot of the time, fighting just isn't enough. I need you to know that when I am not responding to you, do not touch me because I don't want to hurt you. I need you to not panic and just talk to me If you panic, then I will panic more. Let me know that I am safe even after I am fully back. If you can, get me to laugh, that is the quickest way to help me ground. I wish you knew that I don't feel okay, but I will be okay. The memories cannot hurt me, but they feel very real.