25 Things I Wish You Knew: My Bubble!

I watched Disney's Finding Nemo, once. There was this character that had on obsession with the bubbles in the fish tank. Every time the little treasure chest opened, it would rush over and say "My bubbles!".  There is also a saying, "burst your bubble," which is said when someone is deflating an ego. 

I have a "personal bubble" and I'm pretty possessive about it and picky of who is allowed in. My bubble grows and shrinks according to the person. For example, with my husband, there isn't much of a bubble and our dog ignores the bubble. With people who I don't know, there is a minimum three foot bubble. Basically, if I can touch you or you can touch me, you are too close. 

Honestly, this pandemic has been great for me, because for the most part, my bubble is safe. There are the occasional strangers who for whatever reason think that they have to touch you to ask a question. I try not to get snippy but I let them know that I don't want to be touched. Hugs are given to a select few people and there is some sort of (sometimes non-verbal) permission transaction that takes place. A couple of people in my church, my husband, my mother-in-law, and two friends are on the list of people who can enter my bubble for a hug. So, if you are one of these, thank you for being a person who I trust enough to let in.

If someone enters my space and I don't feel safe, I take a step away. Sometimes, they get the hint. Sometimes I'm met with, "I've had my shots." This is the same when I express that I don't want to be touched or that I don't want to shake hands. Not everyone feels safe with proximity. 

It's not germs. I'm not afraid of germs. If I know and trust you, your germs don't scare me. I will take care of you when you are sick, even if you were sick with COVID. If you were on the "short bubble list", I would sit with you on the couch and watch whatever show or movie you wanted while feeding you chicken soup and Gatorade. Germs don't scare me. People do.

My body has this kinetic memory device that doesn't erase without a hot (and I mean hot) shower. So, when I clock in at 8a.m. and a customer touches my shoulder at 8:15 a.m., that place on my shoulder still feels their hand lingering, until I wash it off after work. Meanwhile, another customer touches my back (a huge no), another touches my hand. I wish that I could show you how often unwanted touch happens, daily. I feel suffocated and unsafe when this happens too much or with a hand shake. My fingers and toes are the safest feeling parts of my body but a handshake takes away my hand. My hand is my defense, and I'm afraid that it won't work, if I need it to, after a handshake. So, I'm left, unarmed. This makes me feel unsafe. 

When I sit and try to paint a picture of what the feeling looks like, it is horrifying. I'm standing in middle of hundreds of hands reaching out for me and some are successful at reaching me. I can't move without being touched by another, bony, demonic hand. There is no escape. It does not leave me until I take a hot shower, in my home.

There are people I know and trust but I still haven't hugged them. I still haven't touched their arm or let them touch my arm, or hand. My co-worker that invited me to their house, I consider to be one of my closest friends. I believe I didn't hug them until a couple of weeks ago and it was their last day at my store. They asked, I complied. There were many times I wanted to hug them.

My life was filled with dreams of good things and good people. Often, I am afraid that this good thing that I have going, with these amazing people who love and support me in healing, are a place and storyline that I have made up to escape the awful, terrible things that could still be going on. I'm afraid that if I reach out to touch their arm, or give them hug, and they aren't really there, that I will crumble from the loss. I have a friend who I talk with a lot. For over two years, they have never been near my bubble. Finally, they asked if we could shake hands. I don't shake hands. After a couple of weeks of the same question, we settled on a fist-bump. 

I was afraid that they would not be real. I felt a rush of relief when they didn't disappear. I know that all of this is because touch has not been a good thing, in my experience. I am learning that it can be good but I'm still very guarded. I am "bubble obsessed" and I know that is because I had to protect myself for so long. It is a survival method. Build walls, make bubbles, don't let anyone close.  

I wish I could tell you that I am just afraid you won't be real because you are a good thing and I want you to be real. I want you to stay. I wish I could help you understand that for 28 years, there was no "good touch". There were no "good people".  If you want a hug, or a fist-bump, just ask. I may tell you "a short one" and if you comply, maybe next time could be longer. If I tell you, "not right now", it may be because of all of the hands that I still feel from the rest of the day. Please, don't take it personal. Knowing that you want to, is a comfort and I will keep it in mind for the times that I feel I am able to let you in.