This day brings a lot of joy and awe to many. Many people are aware of the effect the loud noises have on their pets. Unless, they are my dog. He thinks that fireworks are a contest to see who can be louder. Yet, he is afraid of the vacuum cleaner. Some people are aware of the effect the fireworks can have on people. Those who are aware, may tend to think that the effects are reserved for military only. After all, PTSD was once only recognized in soldiers who had returned from war.
We don't think about our heroes at home. Police officers, face the dangers of being shot, every day. We don't think about the refugees who escaped a war zone. We don't think about the family who survived a drive by. July 4th is not always the most welcomed holiday for everyone.
I dread July 4th and the nights surrounding it. True, I was never a soldier. I'm not a hero. I'm not a police officer. I'm not a refugee. However, loud, unexpected noises do trigger my symptoms. Even more, if those loud noises sound like a gunshot.
Firstly, loud unexpected noises can trigger anyone who has PTSD, regardless of the circumstances surrounding it. Anything that is unexpected, can make the average Joe jump. The reason why, is because it triggers a fight or flight response. I've talked about the various responses in my post on flashbacks. That is how all people are wired. Those who don't have PTSD, likely, can recognize the source and calm down.
Those with PTSD, we can't always recognize the source because whatever triggered may have sent us into a flashback quicker than we could grab something that could keep us present. For me, these loud noises sound like gunshots. Even if they don't. If I am present enough, I am afraid to look behind me. I get an overwhelming feeling of fear and grief which turns to emptiness. Then, the all too familiar thoughts of everything being my fault, return. If I can't ground, it becomes a cycle. If I can, and the noise only happens once, I'm okay but left with the feelings of the aftermath. Fireworks, don't stop at one. So, July 4th becomes this exhausting attempt to stay present and feel safe when my symptoms are constantly being triggered.
I have a difficult time talking about what happened...about why I have a difficult time being around guns. Why loud noises effect me so much to the point where I just want to cry. When I think about it, often times, I am sent back. Afraid to look behind me. Afraid.
So, on July 4th, if you came to my house, you might see a mountain of pillows with several blankets. The T.V. or radio would be turned up and I may be more quiet than usual as I listen to my Christian radio station or watch the nonsense of Andy Griffith. My dog would either be laying on me, right up next to me, or outside barking his little head off (sorry, neighbors). Usually, I make my comfort foods, mac and cheese (or grilled cheese), Italian Ice popsicles, orange juice or yogurt covered raisins. I also usually have some sort of caffeine the next day because I have been awake most of the night.
I don't ask the world to stop the festivities, simply because I have a difficult time. I would never expect that. I mean, really, who am I? I do try to help my family, my husband, and friends understand so that when I turn down offers to watch the fireworks or if I need a little more care or solitude I'm not offending anyone. If someone you know has PTSD, they don't want you to stop the world for them. They may need more care, the next day, whether that comes from you or from them. Flashbacks are exhausting. Trying to stay out of them is exhausting. So, July 5th, if they seem a little more tired, they are. If they have a blanket fort or pillow mountain, like me, it would mean the world to them if you joined them in their silent fort. If you know their happy triggers (music, cartoons, comfort foods), that could help too. This small gesture speaks volumes, any time someone is struggling.
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