25 Things I Wish You Knew: I am Hypervigilant

 

This is one that I briefly touched on, in a previous post but I truly wish that you already knew and understood. I am hypervigilant and it is exhausting.

Hypervigilance is the state of heightened alertness, along with behaviors designed to prevent danger. It can seem like paranoia but there are differences between the two. Hypervigilance is not a condition, it is a behavior that can be caused by trauma. The person is more sensitive and aware of their environment and the people in it. When someone is hypervigilant, their inner mind is constantly anticipating danger and so the person is on high alert, ready to react to any danger.

These dangers can be physical, repeat of a traumatic event or even the way someone is read to avoid relationship dangers. Hypervigilance is merely constantly being on-guard and prepared for a multitude of possibilities.

I do not think that anyone is "out to get me". When I am in the grocery store, I don't believe that the little old lady trying to reach tomato paste is there to harm me. I am aware that she is there, with her grandson and about four feet away from her, is a college-aged woman with a cart full of T.V. dinners. I am aware of a conversation happening around the corner about what tortillas are better and I am aware of any and all exits of the aisle and the store. I am aware that I am aware of all this. I know, logically, that there is no concrete reason to be on edge, but I find it impossible to be able to relax.

In familiar places, that are not crowded, I feel less on guard. However, I am still on guard. I am aware of the location of all exits to any store, any house, any office, any vehicle, and even church. I am aware of where I am and what route is the quickest way out, if something were to happen. This route changes with every step I or someone else takes. 

I am aware of objects in the area. I am used to not having anything on me to defend myself and I have been in situations where I had little effect on someone far bigger than me, on my own. I can fight and have had to fight. I'm not proud of it, but I am here because I fought. So, I am aware of objects and quickly decide of at least three that I could use to defend myself or someone else. 

In this room, my mind immediately goes to: the coffee table, the floor lamp, a stone coaster, and a book. I am aware of the front door and the two windows in front of me. I am aware of the back door, the garage and the windows between. I am sitting here, safe, but fully aware and ready to react if the situation became dangerous. This, in my, very familiar, home. I feel safest here. This awareness increases the first step I take out of that door. It increases with every person added into the environment. 

I am sensitive to people's tones, startle easily, am aware of weapons someone is carrying, overanalyze situations. I am restless. My watch may have gotten used to the increased heart rate, by now, but if I check my data, I can see the spikes and I could probably tell you what was going on at that point. 

I don't sleep well because I'm on guard when I sleep, too. I wake up when the air kicks on or turns off. I wake up when I hear our dog move from the couch to the chair. I wake up when the kid with the loud car drives down the street or when the train blows it's horn at 2 a.m.. I wake up when the birds start chirping (if I sleep in that long). I wake up when my husband turns over, when he gets up to use the restroom, when he crawls back into bed. I wake up when our dog whines softly because he wants to go out but doesn't want to wake us I wake up if I think I hear a door open or close and when the house creaks because the wind is moving through the attic. We have a fan on but it only drowns out so much and my awareness is heightened to a point that even when we are awake, I can hear soft things (like the dog whining, softly) and my husband can't. 

The intensity of my hypervigilance increases in: crowded environments, arguments and shouting, uncertain situations, reminders of past traumas, feeling abandoned, and observing chaotic behavior. These things happen all of the time. There is no way to avoid or stop all of these, all of the time. So, I deal with it the best way I can.

I wish you understood this, so when I say that I can't go to the mall, or go into WalMart or the grocery store, or some big event, in a place I am not familiar, with people I am not familiar...I wish you understood so that you could lower your expectations for me. I wish you understood so that I wouldn't feel guilty or angry with myself or the situations that brought me here because I have CPTSD and there are some things I just will not be able to deal with at a 'normal' level. 

Being hypervigilant is overstimulating. When I get overstimulated, I get overwhelmed. When I get overwhelmed the intensity of my symptoms increase and I struggle more. When I struggle, I withdraw and seclude until I feel safe enough.  I wish you understood that this may never change. Although there are times where I feel less on guard, I am always ready to act.