25 Things I Wish You Knew: I Don't People Well

The very first thing that I wish I could make everyone understand about me, is that I don't "people well". I don't know that I'm an introvert. Honestly, I like the idea of being around people and enjoy the company of those I am close to. I feel energized when I go to church more than when I watch the live stream from home. I enjoy holidays with family, friends and neighbors. I feel energized when I am able to go to gatherings at a friend's or neighbor's house 

So, maybe I'm an extrovert, in my core being. I remember, when I was three, my family lived in Okinawa. The people there loved kids, wouldn't do a thing to harm them (most people anyway). Once, my family were at a park near one of the beaches. An old man came up and wanted to show my brother and I some sea shells. I went off with him, to the beach. My parents freaked out because they were from America where you have to hide your kids. We didn't go far, my parents could have seen us from where they were, but the fear was instilled, and probably rightly so once we returned to the states.

The point is, at one time, I wasn't afraid of people. 

Life went on. Abuse happened behind closed doors and the doors were always closed to my house. My brother and I were homeschooled, so we were hidden even further from the world. I didn't have anyone to talk to as the abuse worsened. My brother, who once tried to protect me, suddenly started to join in and I lost my only person. The people who were supposed to protect me were the ones causing the harm. It didn't stop after the divorce, it grew into a different monster.

After the divorce, I was sent to public school. I was excited to be able to make friends but there was so much that I couldn't talk about. So, I didn't. When the trafficking started, I hid in the back of the classroom. When I reached out to people who were supposed to heal, I was hurt worse. I stopped trusting people. 

I like the idea of being around people. However, the act of being around people is overwhelming. I listen and observe while I wait for all of the sirens and red flags to fade away. But if one person enters the room, they all go off. I read every movement, every tone... I have to know where everyone is and what they are doing because people were the ones who caused the damage. People I should have been able to trust to protect and nurture me, didn't.

So, I am afraid of people. I am not shy. I am observant. I am quiet, until you get to know me. Then, when we become close, you see me. I don't know how to get close to people because I was abused, I was sold and I moved around a lot (7 high schools). I made one close connection and lost it, tragically, because I tried to get out of a horrific circumstance. I am afraid to be wrong about the people I trust. I am afraid to be right about the people I don't. I don't know how to form relationships because I am afraid of being vulnerable. I am afraid that if I am vulnerable, the people I love and trust, theywill leave me in the dust. So, my mind thinks, it is better to have solitude than to try and get hurt again.

Once, I drew a sketch of how I see myself, except there were so many holes and bandages that you couldn't tell it was me. All you knew, was that this person had been through so many battles and they didn't look as if they would survive another one. If I keep people at a distance, I can have a head start at the first sign of trouble. 

I want you to know this, and that I need time away from people to ground myself. Being around a lot of people, or even a couple people, can be over-stimulating and can lead to an increase in the intensity of my symptoms. So, if I say that I need a few minutes alone, or walk out of a crowded room...don't take it personal. I will return when I feel I am able to. Mornings, are consistently the time that I need to myself. I take at least an hour, after waking up, for quiet and solitude. Most of the time I am waking from a night terror, so I need that time to truly ground otherwise being around people gets more difficult.

I am trying to change my survival thinking into one that helps me thrive. I just don't always know how, especially when it comes to having healthy relationships with people.