25 Things I Wish You Knew: Making plans

Some people are planning people. They like to plan what they are going to do on their days off. They may plan to go shopping, or sight seeing. They may plan to go visit with a friend or even what they are going to be eating. Me? I've tried to make plans with and without people. Sometimes, the plans work out but more often than not, they don't. When plans don't work out I come face first with an all to familiar wall:

We had this planned. You can't cancel plans.

Why can't you? It's just lunch at my place.

Sometimes, those who make the plans get angry when I have to change things. Don't get me wrong, I understand why they would be angry. If I went through the trouble of planning an event or changing my schedule around to fit (insert activity/people) in, I would feel the same way. That isn't the part that bothers me. It is when those same people ask and I explain, but they still don't get it. Mental health jargon may seem like a different language. A lot of things don't make sense and a lot of things I can't explain. If I can explain them, it is not at a level that most people are willing to accept.

First, any kind of plan/expectation makes me anxious. For X amount of hours, I am expected to be symptom free, happy, have a great time, etc. During this time, I will be around a lot of unknowns, some possible triggers and still be expected to play the part of a "normal" or mentally healthy person. I don't "fake" well.

This is not to say that I don't want plans, because I'm also not a "spur of the moment" type person either. I don't like surprises, they feel like an ambush. So, of course, I would rather have someone invite me to lunch or to go to the drive-in (yes, they still exist), instead of telling me that is what we are doing. Give me a choice, but if I say 'no', understand it isn't you.

A lot of the time, when invited to some activity, I have a lot of questions:

• What time do I have to be there?
• WHO is going to be there? If I ask this question, give me a list of specifics. This helps me gauge how small of a box I have to put myself in and helps me determine how long I think I can stay/participate. This really is a mathematical equation. The less people attending, and the more people I know and trust, the longer I can stay. If you are the only person I know out of ten...Chances are, I'm not going.
• Where are we going? This is important, too. If you want it to be a surprise, you can say a general location: the park or a friend's house. Okay, someone's house will probably lead to more questions but give as much information as you are able. 
• What are the activities? What I'm looking for, is how much conversation am I going to need to partake in? Any kind of activity brings the focus away from me. I don't have to think about how much I trust the attendees. 

If this is something that you and/or I really want, I may hesitate at first. I will probably ask the same questions over and over, until the event. 

A co-worker and one of my closest friends invited my husband (then fiancé) and I to a dinner at their place. They answered all of my questions, multiple times. It was just a dinner and I was informed that I could leave, right after, if I wanted to. I was told that there would be three other people there. One was a former co-worker. The other two I had never met but I was convinced that they were safe people. Really, this is what I'm looking for. Will I be safe? 

I believe that I told them, I would try. This is my answer to most invitations that I actually would like to accept. I don't promise to be there because I never know what battles will come that day

I make plans. However, my itinerary is fluid. There has to be room for change even at a moment's notice. I don't know how many times I have needed shoes, for work, and my husband and I make a plan, or set a goal to find a new pair by the end of a certain day. This plan usually fails. We talk about a few places we could go. We go in the first one and if I don't find what I'm needing in 15 minutes, we leave. We go back to the car and start towards the second destination. Nine times out of ten, we don't go in the second store. We go home and try again, a different day.

I need you to understand all of this because I want to spend time in your presence. I hardly feel safe outside of my own home. So, I need to know that this event or activity that you are wanting me to participate in, is safe. If I participate or show up, it is because I trust you. I trust that when you say the people are safe, they are. If they aren't, I can leave or you can ask them to leave. If I don't feel safe, I will shut down. I need you to understand this so that your expectations of the extent of my participation will be at a level that I am able to reach. I may not add a lot to the conversation. I may observe for a while. I may ask to be excused and leave because I'm feeling overwhelmed or unsafe. If we are in public, don't expect me to stay. I am hyper aware and it is exhausting. This was explained in a previous post but applies here too.

I want to be included. I will try my best but my best varies from day to day.